Step Father vs. Mother

Hello Suzanne, I am a stepfather doing the best I can. I have three adorable step kids ages are 4 the boy 5 and 11 being girls. We have a beautiful relationship only my wife and I bump heads so often about parenting being she was a stepchild growing up as well. She has a wonderful relationship with her SF. I was raised by both my biological parents so things were very different in our lives. I need help understanding our differences. She has expressed to my that I show favoritism in our daughters and the love and affection makes her uncomfortable. That raises an question in my mind how she sees me or my role. She often wants me to take an active part in their lives but I feel that with raising them together I have stipulations. Can you please correspond with me in this matter?- Loving Step Father

Dear Step Father, I have a great deal to say in this matter, simply because I have been a step child, which ended up with adoption by my step father, so that ended wonderfully. Now my boyfriend and I are essentially step parents to each others children. This is a major adjustment for me, I have control issues and want to dictate when he can discipline them, how he should speak to them and what he should have a say in. He on the other hand, simply says "Treat my kids like you treat your kids".

Please try to understand your wife's situation, she is responsible for making sure that her kids are safe and happy. Which you are probably concerned with also, but she feels that the responsibility is hers because they aren't your biological children. Unfair but that is how it is for a mother. She probably feels that she has failed them in some way because they aren't with both of their biological parents. She doesn't want them to resent you for telling them what to do, and she doesn't want them to get too close to you becuase they may stop depending on her so much. The list goes on and on. Women are emotional and complicated, but I'm sure you knew that. The two of you need to sit down, when the children aren't around and have a major discussion about what each of you expect from the parent child relationship. Discuss, compromise and get on the same page. This way you present a united front and there is no more discussion about "my" kids, they will be "our" kids, and the decisions, discipline and affection will be equal.

If you are showing any form or favoritism you must stop immediately. Children pick up on the subtlest things and it will affect not only their relationships with each other, but with you, and with your wife as she attempts to make up the difference to the others.

Having a loving marriage is hard enough with just two adults, but when you add in children, whether they are step children or not, the complications and possible issues grow. Keeping the communication open between all members of the family is very important.

I wish you much luck loving step father! I know how hard it is and sadly I don't have all the answers, just the basics to help you find the answers that will work for you and your wife. It is up to you to fix your family dynamic.

Monster In Law?

Dear Suz
Help! my soon to be father in law has made a move on me. He actually told me that he knew how to handle a woman much better than his son, and if I wanted a real man I'd try him out before the wedding. Should I tell his son, or his wife, or just keep this to myself and avoid him. At the time there were other people nearby and I walked away like I didn't hear him. He was drinking at the time so I am hoping this won't happen again, but this man is going to be part of my life on a regular basis, we are buying a house only 5 minutes away from my fiance's parents house. I don't want to cause a big rift or family feud, especially if it was just a drunken comment. What should I do?
Signed: The Happy Bride

Dear Bride, I have the perfect solution for you. It won't require a tense discussion with your fiancee or his mother, and shouldn't create a family issue. Arrange some alone time with your almost father in law, take him to lunch or something. While you are chatting and relaxed mention to him that you did hear his comment, and after much thinking you feel that you should let him know that you are not now, nor will you ever be interested in him in that way. That you are aware he may have been a little tipsy when he made the comment and so you are giving him the benefit of the doubt, but if he is ever inappropriate with you in any way you will call a family meeting and inform both his son and his wife of his behavior. Express to him that you don't want any hard feelings or tension as you join your new family and just want to clear the air between you so that you both know where you stand.

After this conversation unless something else out of the way is said to you, put it out of your mind and never mention it again. This way you haven't created a family feud, you haven't caused a rift between your soon to be husband and his father, and you haven't informed you almost mother in law that her husband is a lecherous fool. Everyone saves face, and no one is hurt.