Not so nice girl!

Dear Suz, my question isn't so much as question as a problem. I am a nice person, but people don't think I am because I say whatever is on my mind. I don't see the benefit in making things sound nice to protect someones feelings, I think that is denying my own feelings and passion about a topic. How do I make people understand that I am not mean or nasty, I just speak bluntly and don't pretty it up to make it sound nice so they don't get offended. ~Nice Girl

Dear Nice Girl,
I am sure you have heard all the advice about biting your tongue, thinking before you speak and counting to 10 before you speak. However none of that matters to you because you don't believe that what you are saying is a problem. So I won't waste your time with those words of advice, since it seems as if you would simply count to 10 then say what you were already going to say.

People skills are something that you develop, they involve getting your point across without hurting peoples feelings or speaking bluntly. This is not to say that you aren't right in your thinking, but that there is a better way to express it. There is an old expression that says "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar" this is one for you to remember. If you want people to see how nice you are, and listen to your opinions, and possibly even agree with you, you will have to learn to "pretty it up". That doesn't mean backing down from your stance on anything, or even holding anything back, simply adjusting your tone and words to make your point more eloquently.
It is obvious that somewhere deep down you do find this problematic and do want to change how people perceive you, or else you wouldn't have written. My advice is to find some videos on Youtube of some public speakers and work on adapting your thoughts to fit a more vanilla profile of conversation. You will still be expressing your opinion, and even passion, but you won't leave people thinking "jeez what a b*tch!" Just a thought.

Loyalty Schmoyalty!

Dear Suz,
I need help with a problem that I am having. I have a friend who has been a really good friend to me for a long time. She has helped me out many times, and I don't want to lose her. Now I am in a situation where my boyfriend wants us to move away. I owe this friend a good deal of money and if I move with him I will be losing the job she helped me get, as well as the apartment she co-signed for to help me get on my feet. I keep telling him I can't do that to her, but he is insistent that we move where we can live our lives on our own. My friend is known to show up whenever she feels like it and acts offended if we are busy. Because I owe her so much I try to listen and not be rude when she tells me how I should live my life, but this relationship with my boyfriend means a lot to me, he could be "the one" and her visits and opinions cause a lot of problems between us. What can I do? - Loyal Friend

Dear Loyal Friend,
While I sympathize with feeling torn in this situation, if you were such a loyal friend you would not need to ask me what to do. You would pay your friend back what you owe her, you would complete the terms on your apartment instead of leaving her holding the bag, you would do your job to the best of your ability because she vouched for you. And you would tell your boyfriend that until you handle your responsibilities you aren't going anywhere.
As for your friends unexpected visits and unwanted advice, anyone who has helped you out that much has the right to give you their opinion, but you aren't forced in any way to take that advice. Listen to what she says and decide for yourself, although if she has been able to help you in so many ways she probably is sharing quite a bit of wisdom with you. Which may be why when you listen to her your boyfriend has a problem, it seems as if he doesn't understand loyalty and friendship very well, if he's trying to convince you to run out on your obligations.
Remember honesty is the best policy, be honest with yourself, and don't do anything that you will be ashamed of doing.

Show and Tell?

Dear Suz-
I need help with a situation that I am in with my best friend and her boyfriend. It's definitely not a love triangle because he doesn't love her, and he doesn't love me, he's a player. But I got drunk one night and ended up going home from the bar with him. We had a great night and have continued to see each other off an on. I knew him and even slept with him a lot before he met her. The bad thing is I haven't stopped having sex with him even though she thinks they have a great relationship. Should I tell her what has been going on, so that she will give up this dream of the perfect relationship, or should I just stop seeing him and let her get played like every other girl who gets serious about him? The main thing is that I feel bad about having sex with a guy that my best friend thinks she is in love with.
~ Sneaking Around

Dear Sneaking Around,
I can imagine that the idea of having sex with your best friend's boyfriend is tearing you apart. But hey, good, no strings sex is hard to give up. At least you see him for the player he is. Your BFF obviously thinks he's a good guy.
I believe if I were you I would tell her. Heck I might even tell her in front of him by asking him if I left my thong at his place after the last booty call. She may be mad, but when you explain to her that you and he were seeing each other before she even met him and that you didn't want her to end up getting hurt by him she may calm down. Be sure to tell her that it probably wasn't just you that he was sneaking around with and surely she will see that she is better off without him, or at least better off knowing the rules. If she continues to see him that will be on her.
As for you, don't you think you deserve better than a guy who only uses you for sex? Why don't you dump him and look for a nice guy of your own, then you won't end up in this situation again.
Thats how I would handle this situation that isn't a love triangle because there is no love involved.