At Home Daddy Blues

Dear Suz,
I haven't seen any questions on your site that pertain to this so I am going to bite the bullet and submit a question. I am a work at home dad. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship and I get to spend all day every day with my 3 small children. I am a freelance writer and make quite a good living from my living room. My problem is that when my wife and I go out to dinner with her business associates I invariably get either the sneer and a comment about being Mr. Mom, or ignored as if I couldn't possibly have anything to contribute to the conversation since I am a house husband. I am not insecure about this but I wonder if stay at home mothers experience this same thing or is the derision reserved for stay at home dads?
Signed: The daddy who is home with his kids.

Dear Daddy,
First off congratulations on both having an arrangement that works for your family, and for having a successful work from home career. Your children are very blessed to have their daddy there every day. As for your problem when in social situations with your wife's colleagues, I believe that many of those people would love to be able to stay at home with their children and are unable to. They also don't realize just how hard a stay at home or work at home parent really works. Being a writer I am sure you have knowledge on many subjects and should feel free to interject your opinions into conversation with these people. Many of them may not know anything about you other than that you are a stay at home dad, getting to know them better will probably help with the scorn or derision that you feel.

Many stay at home parents of both genders experience this problem, when a woman who works from home gets together with other women many times she feels left out of conversation and other women tend to ignore her opinions or point of view because after all she spends her day with small children, what could she possibly know about office politics? However I am thinking that because it is much more rare for a dad to be a work from home parent that the men are probably more misunderstood and underestimated by others.

Baby Daddy Drama

Dear Suz, I am writing to you because I have read your blog and I think maybe you will have some insight that I am missing. I am a single mother of a wonderful little boy who is 4, his "birth father" hasn't been in the picture ever since he found out I was pregnant. I am now engaged to be married to a great guy who wants to raise my son as his own, he wants to adopt him. I am all for that idea because he has been with us since my son was 6 months old and has really changed our lives for the better. We contacted the birth father to discuss it with him, we laid it out and told him that either he starts being a part of my sons life, and pays child support or he should sign away his rights so my fiancee can adopt him. We figured when it was put to him that way he would agree. Suddenly he is knocking on my door every evening and wanting to spend time with his son. But I think that he is just trying to cause problems because he doesn't want to take him anywhere, he always shows up when my fiancee isn't here and stays for hours. I try to just ignore him and leave him in the living room with my son to play but I wonder really why he is here? He hasn't paid any child support or bought anything for my son, he just shows up every evening through the week for a few hours. What should I do? I just want him to go away.
Signed: Don't want the Daddy!

Dear Don't want:
My mind is racing with answers, sadly it is too late to implement any of them really. Your first step should have been obtaining a custody and child support order. Then if he didn't do what he was supposed to do you would have leverage to serve him with papers giving him the option that you and your fiancee presented to him. Since he still hasn't paid any child support or done anything for the child, you can still go ahead with that part, see a lawyer immediately.
As for his visits you can arrange a few hours once or twice a week at your convenience for him to spend time with his son as long as he wants to do that. I dare say that when it comes down to not causing distress for you, or having to come out of his pocket to support your son that he will be a lot less willing to play Daddy. Simply put when you went to him you gave him leverage against you, something he could do to bother you and keep you from moving on with your life the way you planned.
You don't have to let him mess up your plans for your life, if he hasn't bothered to be a Daddy for this long he isn't going to stick with it, the novelty will fade and eventually he will sign the papers. At least that is the hope I will tell you to hold on to, however if he does straighten up and actually be a father to his son, you will have to learn to adapt, and it won't take anything away from your soon to be husband. Your son will still know who is there for him day in and day out, and he will have more people that love and care about him, which can't be a bad thing.

Porn Problem

Dear Suz,
My boyfriend watches internet porn all the time. I am not jealous of those pneumatic boobs or plastic bodies but I wonder what he is missing in our sex life that makes him want to watch that stuff. How can I get him to stop?-Not Kinky

Dear Not Kinky,
I can't tell you what your boyfriend is missing in your sex life because I am not part of your sex life. But remember that men are visual creatures and maybe he could use a little visual from you to spice things up. Then again maybe he's like most men and simply enjoys porn. Unless it is an addiction, or your sex life is suffering because of it you may want to just live with it. Or even join him once in a while, you don't have to be kinky to enjoy porn, and maybe it will liven things up for both of you and he will watch it less. To be honest I find critiquing the performances in porn clips to be very amusing, and have noticed that when I get particularly catty my significant other will turn it off rather than have me ruin the experience for him.

Not so nice girl!

Dear Suz, my question isn't so much as question as a problem. I am a nice person, but people don't think I am because I say whatever is on my mind. I don't see the benefit in making things sound nice to protect someones feelings, I think that is denying my own feelings and passion about a topic. How do I make people understand that I am not mean or nasty, I just speak bluntly and don't pretty it up to make it sound nice so they don't get offended. ~Nice Girl

Dear Nice Girl,
I am sure you have heard all the advice about biting your tongue, thinking before you speak and counting to 10 before you speak. However none of that matters to you because you don't believe that what you are saying is a problem. So I won't waste your time with those words of advice, since it seems as if you would simply count to 10 then say what you were already going to say.

People skills are something that you develop, they involve getting your point across without hurting peoples feelings or speaking bluntly. This is not to say that you aren't right in your thinking, but that there is a better way to express it. There is an old expression that says "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar" this is one for you to remember. If you want people to see how nice you are, and listen to your opinions, and possibly even agree with you, you will have to learn to "pretty it up". That doesn't mean backing down from your stance on anything, or even holding anything back, simply adjusting your tone and words to make your point more eloquently.
It is obvious that somewhere deep down you do find this problematic and do want to change how people perceive you, or else you wouldn't have written. My advice is to find some videos on Youtube of some public speakers and work on adapting your thoughts to fit a more vanilla profile of conversation. You will still be expressing your opinion, and even passion, but you won't leave people thinking "jeez what a b*tch!" Just a thought.

Loyalty Schmoyalty!

Dear Suz,
I need help with a problem that I am having. I have a friend who has been a really good friend to me for a long time. She has helped me out many times, and I don't want to lose her. Now I am in a situation where my boyfriend wants us to move away. I owe this friend a good deal of money and if I move with him I will be losing the job she helped me get, as well as the apartment she co-signed for to help me get on my feet. I keep telling him I can't do that to her, but he is insistent that we move where we can live our lives on our own. My friend is known to show up whenever she feels like it and acts offended if we are busy. Because I owe her so much I try to listen and not be rude when she tells me how I should live my life, but this relationship with my boyfriend means a lot to me, he could be "the one" and her visits and opinions cause a lot of problems between us. What can I do? - Loyal Friend

Dear Loyal Friend,
While I sympathize with feeling torn in this situation, if you were such a loyal friend you would not need to ask me what to do. You would pay your friend back what you owe her, you would complete the terms on your apartment instead of leaving her holding the bag, you would do your job to the best of your ability because she vouched for you. And you would tell your boyfriend that until you handle your responsibilities you aren't going anywhere.
As for your friends unexpected visits and unwanted advice, anyone who has helped you out that much has the right to give you their opinion, but you aren't forced in any way to take that advice. Listen to what she says and decide for yourself, although if she has been able to help you in so many ways she probably is sharing quite a bit of wisdom with you. Which may be why when you listen to her your boyfriend has a problem, it seems as if he doesn't understand loyalty and friendship very well, if he's trying to convince you to run out on your obligations.
Remember honesty is the best policy, be honest with yourself, and don't do anything that you will be ashamed of doing.

Is this a Slacker?

Dear Suz, I am in my mid-20's and I have no clue what I want to do with my life. All of my friends went to college and are now searching for jobs in their field. I have had jobs in different fields, and they all paid the bills, but I feel like I should be searching for the thing I really want to do. Any ideas?- Lost Generation Whatever


Deal Lost,
If you are getting bills paid, you are probably doing better than some of your friends who will only accept jobs (careers) in their field. So since you aren't in a money crunch and don't need to do anything immediately I suggest you enjoy your jobs, and look around for possible careers that interest you. If you are planning to devote the rest of your life to pursuing a career and the advancement that comes with it, it's probably a pretty good idea to be sure that it is something you will enjoy. I know I'm supposed to tell you that you should have gone to college and made this decision already, but I can't honestly do that.

I am in my mid 30's and I have had jobs all my life, that pay the bills. I got settled in took classes and became a property manager a few years ago, then I figured out I could make extra money doing what I really love by writing. So I do both. Finding something you like to do that pays you is worth the time spent on all those jobs to pay the bills while you get to that point. I love both of my careers, and didn't spend 4 years in college to do it. Take your time and figure out what you really enjoy, and what you are really good at, then pursue it.

Step Father vs. Mother

Hello Suzanne, I am a stepfather doing the best I can. I have three adorable step kids ages are 4 the boy 5 and 11 being girls. We have a beautiful relationship only my wife and I bump heads so often about parenting being she was a stepchild growing up as well. She has a wonderful relationship with her SF. I was raised by both my biological parents so things were very different in our lives. I need help understanding our differences. She has expressed to my that I show favoritism in our daughters and the love and affection makes her uncomfortable. That raises an question in my mind how she sees me or my role. She often wants me to take an active part in their lives but I feel that with raising them together I have stipulations. Can you please correspond with me in this matter?- Loving Step Father

Dear Step Father, I have a great deal to say in this matter, simply because I have been a step child, which ended up with adoption by my step father, so that ended wonderfully. Now my boyfriend and I are essentially step parents to each others children. This is a major adjustment for me, I have control issues and want to dictate when he can discipline them, how he should speak to them and what he should have a say in. He on the other hand, simply says "Treat my kids like you treat your kids".

Please try to understand your wife's situation, she is responsible for making sure that her kids are safe and happy. Which you are probably concerned with also, but she feels that the responsibility is hers because they aren't your biological children. Unfair but that is how it is for a mother. She probably feels that she has failed them in some way because they aren't with both of their biological parents. She doesn't want them to resent you for telling them what to do, and she doesn't want them to get too close to you becuase they may stop depending on her so much. The list goes on and on. Women are emotional and complicated, but I'm sure you knew that. The two of you need to sit down, when the children aren't around and have a major discussion about what each of you expect from the parent child relationship. Discuss, compromise and get on the same page. This way you present a united front and there is no more discussion about "my" kids, they will be "our" kids, and the decisions, discipline and affection will be equal.

If you are showing any form or favoritism you must stop immediately. Children pick up on the subtlest things and it will affect not only their relationships with each other, but with you, and with your wife as she attempts to make up the difference to the others.

Having a loving marriage is hard enough with just two adults, but when you add in children, whether they are step children or not, the complications and possible issues grow. Keeping the communication open between all members of the family is very important.

I wish you much luck loving step father! I know how hard it is and sadly I don't have all the answers, just the basics to help you find the answers that will work for you and your wife. It is up to you to fix your family dynamic.

A Polite Rejection

Dear Suz,

I'm a writer. I have set up an interview with a published author on the basis that I read his book first before doing a review and the interview. I've finally finished reading the book.

If I were to go through with the review now, it wouldn't get high marks. While the book was funny in parts, it was hard to focus my attention on. Half way through it, I began to skip pages and dreaded picking it up to read. If I hadn't said that I would do the review, I wouldn't have even finished reading it. It was too structured, was contradictory in parts, and overall I feel it was a waste of my money.

I'm not being paid for the review or interview, it was just a casual conversation online that led me to ask. Lesson learned now: Never ask for an interview or offer to do a review until you read the book first. But still, I have no desire to do the review, as I realize this could hurt his reputation. I feel he is a nice person and don't wish to give him a negative review. I also have no further desire to interview him as I feel that my distaste for the book would reflect in my writing. I refuse to write positive (basically lie) when I feel the opposite. Would it be tactful for me to write him and tell him that other obligations have taken a forefront and that I won't be doing the interview? What would be a good way to back out of this without leading him to believe that I just wasn't that into his book?

Weary Writer


Dear Weary Writer,
It is sometimes very easy to get yourself into a predicament such as this. Admiring a person and wanting to share the things that you admire about them is a wonderful quality. But when it comes down to having to critique someones work, it is hard to do so without hurting their feelings.
In this situation I would tell the author that you have too much going on at the moment to pursue that review and interview, but that you would like to keep it in mind for the future.

That would be a sort of "Don't call us we'll call you" response. Which is sort of a cop out, but not entirely inappropriate given the situation. You are doing so to protect the author and your own accountability. In the future definitely collect as much info and works that are available by an author before you pursue them for an interview, and never make a deal concerning a book you haven't read. If your author friend wants to know what you thought of the book, simply say that it was interesting but not really your cup of tea. This will allow him to think it was simply the subject matter or point of view instead of his writing skills.
Best of luck, Weary Writer, and don't give up on finding great people to interview.

Monster In Law?

Dear Suz
Help! my soon to be father in law has made a move on me. He actually told me that he knew how to handle a woman much better than his son, and if I wanted a real man I'd try him out before the wedding. Should I tell his son, or his wife, or just keep this to myself and avoid him. At the time there were other people nearby and I walked away like I didn't hear him. He was drinking at the time so I am hoping this won't happen again, but this man is going to be part of my life on a regular basis, we are buying a house only 5 minutes away from my fiance's parents house. I don't want to cause a big rift or family feud, especially if it was just a drunken comment. What should I do?
Signed: The Happy Bride

Dear Bride, I have the perfect solution for you. It won't require a tense discussion with your fiancee or his mother, and shouldn't create a family issue. Arrange some alone time with your almost father in law, take him to lunch or something. While you are chatting and relaxed mention to him that you did hear his comment, and after much thinking you feel that you should let him know that you are not now, nor will you ever be interested in him in that way. That you are aware he may have been a little tipsy when he made the comment and so you are giving him the benefit of the doubt, but if he is ever inappropriate with you in any way you will call a family meeting and inform both his son and his wife of his behavior. Express to him that you don't want any hard feelings or tension as you join your new family and just want to clear the air between you so that you both know where you stand.

After this conversation unless something else out of the way is said to you, put it out of your mind and never mention it again. This way you haven't created a family feud, you haven't caused a rift between your soon to be husband and his father, and you haven't informed you almost mother in law that her husband is a lecherous fool. Everyone saves face, and no one is hurt.

Who's Your Daddy?

Dear Suz,
I need to know how to deal with my boyfriend. He doesn't like any of my friends, some of these girls have been my friends since grade school. My boyfriend gets furious whenever one of them calls, and throws a fit if I spend time with them. These are nice girls, they are like part of my family, but he won't compromise at all and has told me that I will stop being friends with them or I will lose him. I don't want to have to make a choice and don't think it is fair for him to be that way.
He's not abusive, he isn't trying to alienate me from everyone, just these 4 girls. I need a way to make him see that my friends have nothing to do with our relationship, can you help me?
Torn

Dear Torn,
Please keep in mind as you read my answer that I can be a little blunt. Please don't take offense.
Did this boyfriend give you life? Did he raise you and love you through all of your trials and celebrations in your life? I'm guessing no, which means he isn't your Daddy, and shouldn't try to act like he is.
Tell him that under no circumstances will you give up your friends unless he can come up with a valid reason why you should give up that many years of friendship with people who are like family members to you. If he wants to break up with you after that, then honey, that's no big loss.
I don't care how much in love with someone you are, don't give in to ultimatums of that sort, because while you say he isn't abusive, that is a form of emotional abuse. Of course he doesn't have a problem with other acquaintances you might have, they are not as close to you as sisters. You don't tell them everything and they may not notice the differences as he molds and changes you into a woman who is content to live under his thumb. He knows that these 4 girls are the ones that he will end up having to answer to, as well as feel threatened by if he doesn't treat you right.

You are an individual and you have the right to chose your own friends, and to decide who will be a part of your life. Not a boyfriend, fiancee or even husband. Don't allow a man to make your choices and decisions for you. If you give in to this manipulation there will be more to come, and eventually you will lose your own ideals and personality becoming nothing more than an extension of him. Retain yourself, and stand up for what you feel and believe. Best of Luck! I have to say that I probably wouldn't even give him the option of staying with me after an ultimatum like that.

Long Distance Failure to Launch?

Dear Suz,
While working out of town for 3 months I met a wonderful guy. We developed a relationship and talked about him relocating to where I live, about 400 miles away. He doesn't have a major career like I do, he works mostly from his home on the internet, so moving wouldn't be a problem for him. We discussed all of this and the plan was for him to come here about 30 days after I returned home. It has now been almost 6 months, and he still isn't here. We talk several times a day, and he says he wants to come but his parents need him to stay there. Suz, his parents are only in their early 50's, they have no health issues and both still work. When we mentioned his moving here they were supportive. Is this just his way of blowing me off or is he some sort of mama's boy who will never leave the nest? Oh yeah, he lives in a cottage behind his parents house. Sometimes I want to tell him to forget it and move on, but I really love him and want to build a future with him- here. What should I do?
- Blown Off in Arizona

Dear Blown Off,

In my opinion, and mind you I have a suspicious nature, but in my opinion it sounds like Mr. Wonderful is having second thoughts. I would give him a deadline of 30 days to come up with firm plans for the move, or else you will stop discussing it and you can be long distance friends. Try not to make it sound like an ultimatum, but let him know that you can't put your life on hold waiting for him to be ready to leave Mommy and Daddy. You are looking for someone to build your life with, and if he isn't ready to be that person you may just have to start looking elsewhere.

Also for someone who has always lived close to their family a move like that is a big decision, and not one to be made lightly, but after this much time he should definitely be ready to sh*t or get off the pot to put it crudely.

Best of luck Blown Off, let me know what happens!

Show and Tell?

Dear Suz-
I need help with a situation that I am in with my best friend and her boyfriend. It's definitely not a love triangle because he doesn't love her, and he doesn't love me, he's a player. But I got drunk one night and ended up going home from the bar with him. We had a great night and have continued to see each other off an on. I knew him and even slept with him a lot before he met her. The bad thing is I haven't stopped having sex with him even though she thinks they have a great relationship. Should I tell her what has been going on, so that she will give up this dream of the perfect relationship, or should I just stop seeing him and let her get played like every other girl who gets serious about him? The main thing is that I feel bad about having sex with a guy that my best friend thinks she is in love with.
~ Sneaking Around

Dear Sneaking Around,
I can imagine that the idea of having sex with your best friend's boyfriend is tearing you apart. But hey, good, no strings sex is hard to give up. At least you see him for the player he is. Your BFF obviously thinks he's a good guy.
I believe if I were you I would tell her. Heck I might even tell her in front of him by asking him if I left my thong at his place after the last booty call. She may be mad, but when you explain to her that you and he were seeing each other before she even met him and that you didn't want her to end up getting hurt by him she may calm down. Be sure to tell her that it probably wasn't just you that he was sneaking around with and surely she will see that she is better off without him, or at least better off knowing the rules. If she continues to see him that will be on her.
As for you, don't you think you deserve better than a guy who only uses you for sex? Why don't you dump him and look for a nice guy of your own, then you won't end up in this situation again.
Thats how I would handle this situation that isn't a love triangle because there is no love involved.

Silent What???

Dear Suz -
I'm really embarrassed to admit this problem, but I think about sex all the freaking time! I'm a girl - and I know that's normal for guys - but does that make me some kind of freak? I mean, every guy I meet - I start thinking about him naked and then I start thinking about getting down with him and I feel so ashamed but at the same time I love it. I love thinking about sex. I mean, I'm not a slut - I don't go out and sleep around - but my mind is always, always, always thinking about getting freaky with some guy. Am I normal or just a slut wannabe?
Silent slut

Dear Silent,
I have to tell ya that personally I don't see anything wrong with the thoughts you are having. Women have been repressed sexually for centuries. Hence your statement that thinking about sex is normal for guys but embarrassing for you. You are absolutely not some kind of freak. Besides what happens in your mind is just between you, and you, it doesn't affect anyone else unless you can't behave normally while your mind wanders.

Okay, so maybe you need to calm it down a little bit, after all you have to be able to hold a normal conversation with a man sometimes, which can be hard when you are fantasizing about doing the deed with them.

You don't need to be ashamed of your thoughts, but simply channel them in a manner that allows you to function in polite society. Try starting a journal, write down all of these hot thoughts, and you may realize that you have a future in writing erotica. That means that you could get paid to think dirty thoughts!

Thinking about sex in no way makes you a slut, it just means that you have a healthy sex drive and a lot of curiosity. What this means is that when you do find a man he should be quite pleased in the bedroom. Don't stifle your fantasies, just work at controlling them, and indulging in them at the proper time.

Men are beautiful, no doubt about it, and a tight toned body, muscular stomach or a certain eye crinkling smile can turn just about any woman into a puddle of goo, with so many men in the world there are hundreds of opportunities to fantasize daily. Which means if we give in to the temptation women wouldn't be good for anything, our houses wouldn't get cleaned, we wouldn't even make it through the grocery store because we would be too busy fantasizing. The key is to capture those glimpses in your mind, so that you can pull them out later, and indulge in your fantasy.

So go ahead and enjoy your thoughts Silent, and when the time comes you can enjoy the acting on those impulses with the right person.

Playing Games!

Dear Suz -

I keep having these recurring dreams about various women I know. They all involve playing games and sex. Like the other night I was dreaming that I was playing strip Connect Four (you know, with checkers?) with this woman I know. Another night I was playing naked Twister (that one was pretty fun). Then another time it was Clue and - me with the lead pipe in the ballroom. Another time I was eating in Candyland with two women. Do you think this means anything? I mean, I get the dirty dreams with women I know, but the games? And yeah, I have to have a cold shower every morning after one of these dreams.
Boy Toy

Oh My! Dear Boy Toy,
I was so concerned and intrigued by your question that I had to move it to the top of the list.

If I were a psycho analyst I might think that you had several problems based upon what you have shared with me concerning these dreams. I might assume that you are a game player in your regular life and think of women as games to be played. I might also assume that you have some sort of fixation on childishness and may even be inclined toward pedophilia. Luckily, I am not some sort of dream interpreter or mind analyzer, I'm just Suz and I have the answer that you seek.

First off, Boy Toy, there is nothing wrong with having dreams about someone you know, even if it involves playing childhood games. You didn't mention if you happen to have an active sex life or not, so I will answer this in a manner that will give you options and reasons for either situation.

If you are involved with a woman, maybe things are a little stale in the bedroom, by having erotic dreams of playing games with other women, you aren't necessarily indicating a desire for those women, just for something different. As for the games in the dream you probably are expressing a subconscious desire for light hearted simple fun in the bedroom. It doesn't require whips and chains to spice up your sex life. If you make an effort to introduce fun between the sheets you will probably stop having these dreams.

If you are not involved with a woman, may I suggest that you either find one, or manually stimulate yourself before going to sleep. The dreams will probably cease once you find a release for your pent up desires.

If the dreams continue after making some changes you may have to face the fact that you are subconsciously fixated on some facet of the personality of these other women you are dreaming about. If that is the case, either make your move ( if you are single), or continue enjoying those cold showers while you search for the missing part of your sex life.


Again remember I am not any sort of therapist or analyst, I am simply giving you my opinion and what you do with it is up to you! Best of Luck Boy Toy! And if you get bored there's always Monopoly,Trouble, and Operation!

Just a Friend???

Dear Suz -
I am in love with someone but she's like my best friend. I'm what you'd call a nice guy - and I know it seems like the ladies prefer a man who will treat them like shit and stuff, but I just can't do that. This woman is everything I've ever wanted but she only goes for assholes who treat her like dirt - I know because she comes crying to me every time one of those pricks breaks her heart again. I can't help how I feel - and I don't know if it's better for me to love her from afar and still have her friendship or risk it all and tell her. If I tell her I stand losing her for good because I know she'll feel weird being friends with me knowing how I feel about her.
-Tired of being the friend.

Dear Tired-
This is a problem that is probably as old as men and women. The thing is it is rumored that women know within the first 10 seconds of meeting a guy whether they are attracted to them or not. The fact that you and your girl have been friends means that you probably didn't hit her attraction radar.
It sounds like this girl may have a certain "type" of guy that she is interested in, sadly for her this seems to be the "bad boy" type. This doesn't mean that you are definitely out of the running. Being a dependable friend has helped more than one "nice guy" finish first. The problem isn't you, it is her. She needs to mature enough to know the difference between guys who will treat her badly and someone she can build a real relationship with.
My opinion is that you should tell her the next time she gets her heart broken, that you care for her and would like to show her how she should be treated. Being friends is the first step to a successful relationship, and the two of you seem to have leaped that hurdle, which means you both already know that you can get along, enjoy the same things and are compatible. All that is left is for her to figure out whether she could be attracted to you as well.

I have to tell you, that there is no guarantee, and yes you may end up losing the friendship if you lay all your cards on the table, but if that happens, you can know that she will spend a lot of time wondering "what if" when she gets her heart broken again and again by the wrong kind of guy. Life is long and people change and grow continuously who knows what could happen if you lose her now and meet her again in the future.

But don't pine in silence for something that could possibly turn into exactly what you are both looking for. Take the chance, when the moment is right. You won't know if you don't try. Nothing ventured nothing gained. And a whole bunch of other trite cliches! Good luck !

Is He For Real?

Dear Suz -
I've found that I'm completely obsessed with someone online. I talk to this guy frequently and we've really hit it off. Seems like we have a lot in common. I Google his name all the time just so I can read anything about him (he spends time on a lot of public forums). I have him on my IM and every time I see him online I try to chat with him. He's told me a lot of stuff about himself, but a few things don't seem quite like he's telling me the truth. Do you think he's being honest with me - like he tells me that he feels a real connection and stuff. I feel it too, but I'm just not sure what to think. Some of our chats have veered into some, umm, very personal areas - know what I mean (and I mean he really, really has a way with words)? And I spend so much time thinking about him that it makes it hard for me to do other stuff. Do you think this relationship is real and worth hanging onto or am I just fooling myself?
Confused but turned on

Dear Confused,
Obsessed sounds like the right word for what you are! The internet has made meeting and connecting with people so much easier than it used to be. However it has also made the whole beginning of relationships faster and less reliable. When you are chatting with someone on the internet you have no idea if they are even who they say they are. There are many people in the world who are predators and scammers.
So my first bit of advice would be that if he is asking you for anything more than your time and conversation, forget about him!
The fact that he is on many social networks isn't necessarily a bad thing, many people join them for their different groups of friends and family, but maybe you aren't the only girl he is chatting with, and "feeling a real connection" with.

As to your statement that some of what he says doesn't seem true, without the benefit of face to face, or IRL ( in real life) interaction you have no real way of verifying what he tells you. This leaves you to trust your instincts, and if your instincts tell you that there may be more or less to this persons story then you should decide what to do about it. It is up to you to either call him on it, ignore it, or stop talking to him. But when it comes to a relationship trust and honesty are very important. If you feel you can't believe what he says and you haven't even met him yet, that should tell you something.

In reference to your comment about your "ummm personal"conversations, my opinion is if it isn't hurting anyone else go for it, after all it is just conversation. But if it comes down to photos or cameras you may want to skip that part of the game. You wouldn't want to be surfing the net one day and come across shots of your private areas on some sleazy website.

Confused, only you know whether this could be a "real" relationship, because there are so many factors that will help you make that determination. But from where I'm sitting it sounds like you have an internet crush and should probably look for a real live guy that you can get to know in person.

How to Be a Writer

T.S. asks: Dear Suz, everyone keeps talking about writing for money. I like to write but have no idea how to get started. How can I become a writer too?

T.S. I have so many answers to that question. I too, started out wondering how on earth people made money from writing without writing actual books. Yes, I was naive.
First things first: Educate yourself. Join Associated Content and read all the information on the forum in the Welcome to AC section. This teaches you a lot about SEO and Google juice. Not only that but most of those posts are written by really helpful writers like Randy Barefoot, and Michelle L. Devon, these are people who write for a living and so they know the information you need.
After you have a good idea of what is entailed, submit to AC, apply at Demand Studios, Bukisa, eHow, and any others that are recommended by other writers. I personally submit to all of these, and enjoy them all. Network with your writer friends, about sites to write for, and help. Writers I've found are a very supportive group, which is why you see me post about writing several times a day, my writer friends encourage me, support me, and even help me through slumps.

No one makes a lot of money overnight by being a freelance writer. But the more you learn and the more opportunities you check out, you will start to see how it is done. One thing I cannot emphasize enough is to not put all your eggs in one basket! Write for several sites, they are all different and you may make more on one than another one, but sometimes your favorite will fail you temporarily and if that is all you are counting on you will be without a paycheck for a while.

Be sure to check out Rodney Southern's blog for writers. Michy's Accentuate Writers Forum And remember nothing ventured nothing gained. Best of Luck!

For Now or Forever?

Dear Suz,
I have a question for your site. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, we are happy most of the time, and he is planning on us spending our lives together, but I am not really "feeling it" anymore. Should I stick it out or break up with him now?
Signed: Wants to be free-maybe

Dear Wants to be free-maybe,
Many people go through periods of not really "feeling it" when they are in a relationship. There are ups and downs and even periods where you may not feel as if you even love this person anymore. That is when it is time to sit down and write out a pros and cons list. List all the things you love about this person, and all the things that get on your nerves. You say that the two of you are happy most of the time, and that is a good thing, but are you happy in a content in a rut kind of way, or truly happy to be together.
When you think of wanting to be free, what does being free mean to you? Are you already planning wild nights out where you can meet new men? Or is it more that you want time to get to know yourself as an individual instead of part of a couple?
The easy answer to your question is that there is no easy answer. No one can decide what is right for you, but you. Follow your heart, even if your head has a different answer. You deserve to be deliriously happy with whatever choice you make. Lots of luck! Suz


To all my readers, Wants to Be Free-Maybe, took the leap, she asked the question and I hope I helped her out a little bit. Remember that some of the answers I provide will be factual, and some of them will be my opinion, but they will all be as honest and straightforward as possible.

Introduction to Ask Suz!

Hi and Welcome to Ask Suz! This is a blog where you will find real questions asked by actual people. The answers will be as helpful as possible and will be provided by Suz and several others.
If you would like to submit a question please email it to: askawayquestions@yahoo.com
All questions will be posted on the blog anonymously, so go ahead and ask your deepest darkest questions.
From relationships to parenting. From sexuality to fashion. From ailments to manners. Ask Suz will find the answer for you!